A reader sent me a question this week that, at first glance, felt like a softball. “People always say that you need to know what you want and how to communicate what you want from a partner before you enter a relationship,” they wrote. “But how do I know what I want? Like, literally, what are the options? I feel like I want what everyone else wants…but feels like they never get.”
Straightforward, right? But the more I stared at the question, the more confounded I became. I realized it’s because I disagree with the entire premise of the question itself, and that hasn’t always been the case. So in a few short sentences, I learned something completely new about myself. And that’s exactly why I love writing this newsletter.
When I was single, I remember that I would go on most dates gun blazing. I’d lead with the fact that I wanted a serious relationship, and if the person sitting across from me didn’t know what they wanted, or was unsure, I would immediately write them off. In my brain, this made complete sense, because it was allowing me to weed out the unserious guys early on.
So in the past, I would have told this reader to really interrogate whether or not they wanted a serious relationship, and to pursue that with their whole chest. I would have told them to make a list of characteristics they want in a partner. Like, physically write them down. And then use that information now as their north star.
Looking back, however, I realize how crazy it was that I entered every relationship this way. I was basically saying “If you’re not ready to be my serious boyfriend, move the fuck along.” And that’s wild! Was it great that I knew what I wanted? Yes. But I absolutely cut myself off from meeting so many potentially interesting people with this attitude.
What you want isn’t a one-size-fits-all thing. What kind of relationship you wan’t isn’t, either. I am currently in a relationship that is somehow both nothing like what I thought I wanted and exactly what I always wanted. Ben and I never discussed what, exactly, we were looking for. I just knew I loved spending time with him, so I told him that, and he loved spending time with me, and so he told me that. We didn’t even have the “am-I-your-girlfriend-yes-or-no” chat until after we’d already said I love you, and at that point, it was a given. We moved in together after knowing each other for less than six months.
Past me would have thought all of this was absolutely bonkers. But what I’d learned from dating was that you never know what kind of relationship you want with a person until you actually get to know that person. Yes, of course, it’s important to consider whether or not you’re someone who wants monogamy, or if you prefer a different type of relationship setup. It’s important to tell the person you’re with whether or not you’re dating or sleeping with other people.
But it’s more important to understand that a lot of times, you don’t know what you want until you experience what you don’t want. And, in fact, experience my help you realize that what you *think* you want and what you *actually* want are completely opposite. And you may be surprised to find that you actually enjoy a in-between relationship.
The person I dated right before Ben was someone I saw for just about three months. We were never officially “together,” but we took a weekend trip together, and cooked together often, and went to lots of dinners, and generally just enjoyed hanging out. And you know what? That relationship was exactly what I needed in the moment. I don’t think I would have been so certain about Ben had I not had this experience before him.
So how do you know what you want? You go out there and you start dating. You meet interesting people. You talk about your desires. You come home from those dates and you sit in your room and you journal about how you’re feeling. You listen to your gut, and you don’t second-guess yourself. You’ll know when something feels off, or when it feels great, or when you are ready to bail, or when you want to keep going. And when you feel something for a person, you tell them.
You do that enough, and you will figure out exactly what you want, and that will probably coincide with you being with a person who is giving you exactly what you want. It truly is as simple as that.
My recipe pairing for not knowing what you want this week is, of course, chicken parm. Because, let’s face it, we always want chicken parm. If it’s on the menu, you’re ordering it. Just BE HONEST with yourself for once. If you’re vegetarian, you can get eggplant parm. But parm is a classic. Whenever you’re indecisive, it’s there for you. And in life, it’s important to have that consistency.
xx MDR
Eat This, It’ll Make You Feel Better
Chicken Parmigiana
INGREDIENTS
Two packages of boneless, skinless, thin-sliced chicken breasts, prepared as cutlets
8 cups of sauce
1 bunch of basil, leaves removed and chiffonade cut
1 package shredded mozzarella cheese
1 cup parmigiano cheese, shredded
INSTRUCTIONS
Prepare the cutlets according to last week’s recipe. Allow them to drain for about 10 minutes on a towel-lined plate so they’re not too greasy.
Preheat your oven to 375 degrees.
In a large, shallow tray, lay down 3 cups of sauce so that it covers the bottom in a thin layer.
Next, lay down your chicken cutlets. It’s okay to have them overlap slightly to fit more, but 2/3 of the cutlet should be exposed. Pour the remaining sauce over the cutlets, spreading it over the cutlets so they’re fully covered. Sprinkle your basil over the sauced cutlets. You can use as much or as little as you’d like, but I love a lot of basil.
Evenly sprinkle the mozzarella cheese over your cutlets, ensuring that they’re fully covered. Finish with the parmigiano cheese on top.
Bake in the oven for about 30 minutes, or until the cheese is melted and bubbling slightly. Serve hot.