Welcome to can’t relate, a newsletter from me, Maria Del Russo, that I write biweekly on Fridays. If you were sent this newsletter by a friend (such an excellent friend) or clicked through this link via my social channels, then you can also subscribe by clicking below.
xx MDR
For most of my life, I’ve had a really negative relationship with Valentine’s Day. Like most things about love, I’d built up this bullshit holiday in my mind as one for sweet gestures and romance from my eventual partner. But, again, like most things about love, the reality never really matched my imagination, and I’ve mostly been disappointed once the 14th rolls around.
This year, I’d been running around the weekend before reporting on Fashion Week for TZR. (You can read my reporting here, if you’re interested.) And while I’m dating, I wasn’t interested in spending Valentine’s Day with anyone. So I made some linguine with vodka sauce (with a delicious bubble of burrata on top, because your girl is ~extra~), ate an edible, and spent the night watching clips from Bob Fosse movies on YouTube. It was excellent—hands-down the best Valentine’s Day I’ve ever had.
But there was one liiiiiittttllleeee hitch.
Woven into the hundreds of photos and stories of loved-up couples celebrating each other on Instagram, there were a handful of captions offering us single people unsolicited advice—and it was all from people who were in relationships. The general message? “It’s okay if you feel bad about being single! Look at me and my gorgeous relationship! If you just believe hard enough, this will happen to you.”
Listen. I really, truly understand the good intention of this advice and the people who are offering it; Especially if it’s coming from a person who, when they were single, felt really, really shitty about being alone. But most of the time, it supremely misses the mark. And all of the time, it’s incredibly condescending.
Sure, there are some single people who don’t love the stasis of singleness. I used to be one of them. But you know what literally never made me feel better? Coupled-up folks parading their happy partnerships in front of me, telling me that it was only a matter of time before I met my match and got everything they already had.
The whole conceit of coupled people giving single folks advice inherently creates a dynamic in which the coupled person is “better” because they’ve got this thing, and so they can “help” the single person “achieve” what they have. Most of the time the advice is to “get in touch with yourself” and “figure out ways to be happy while being single.”
All of this is great advice on its own, but when put in the context of love, it’s presented as a means to an end. Work on yourself to get a relationship. Go to therapy to get a relationship. Stop looking for a relationship in order to…find a relationship? The relationship is still positioned as something to win. But a partnership isn’t a prize. A relationship won’t save you. And, newsflash, being in one doesn’t land you in a position of authority to be dolling out advice to single folks.
Plus, the whole “I’m happy, but you don’t need anyone” pose is so condescending. It reads like a person standing at an all-you-can-eat buffet telling the hungry person outside that they don’t really need any food, but they should probably find a therapist instead.
It also completely ignores the fact that society, as a whole, isn’t set up with single people in mind. Every time I have to pay my entire gas bill, I’m reminded of what a privilege it is to have a partner to share expenses with. Whenever I have to toss out some of the vegetables I bought from the market last week because they force you to buy a whole bunch of carrots instead of an individual carrot, I’m reminded of how much money I’m just expected to waste as a single person. It’s easier for couples to buy a home. They get tax breaks I don’t.
Because we see singleness as a transitionary phase (because everyone obviously wants to get married eventually, right?) we do not treat the people in that phase with the respect we treat coupled-up folks. We support couples as a society. Single people are left to fend for themselves.
This isn’t a bitter takedown of folks in relationships. (Truly, I have so many of them in my life and I love them all AND their partners.) It’s just a request for those in relationships to reframe how you look at us—and then, kindly, shut up.
A relationship seems great, and I know that one day I’ll meet someone who I want to live life alongside. But I’ve finally gotten to the point where I’m not centering romance in my life, and that feels even better. My singleness doesn’t define me anymore. The only reason it ever did in the first place is because we’ve all gotten on board with the idea that a relationship and marriage and kids are inevitable destinations we all need to get to. A lot of that is cemented by advice from well-meaning folks in relationships. Your advice perpetuates the idea that a relationship should be the priority—and it just isn’t.
So a request: If you are in a relationship, and no one is asking you directly for advice, please keep it to yourself. Please stay in your own lane and tend to your own front lawn. (Here: I even wrote a newsletter about that.) I’m so happy that you’ve found love in your life, but I’m perfectly happy over here on single island, with my burrata and my edibles and my Bob Fosse videos.
And if you ever need a break from your partner for the night, because I know for a fact it’s not rainbows 27/4, I invite you to come join me. It’s incredibly excellent at this party for one.
This week’s trio
Mushrooms are in season, so they’ve been coming in my Farm to People farm box almost every week. I made this stuffed mushroom recipe last week and it blew my socks off.
Liz Plank wrote an amazing piece for her newsletter this week about Kim Kardashian, Kanye West, and how we don’t protect mothers in this country that will boil your blood and break your heart. Take the time to read it, but expect a rage spiral after.
If you follow me on Instagram, you’ve probably caught on that I’m hoping to expand this newsletter by adding a paid, weekly send to the roster. In order to make it the best I can for you guys, I’m hoping you’ll take this survey to tell me a little bit more about you. It’s only 8 questions, and I’ll be randomly selecting one person who takes the survey who will receive a free copy of my book Simple Acts of Love, with a little message inside from me. Thank you so much in advance!
You get a fourth this week — I recently crossed an exciting subscriber milestone, which make me feel like a million bucks. It’s amazing to see how this little audience has grown in just than a year. I started writing this newsletter with the hope of reaching just one person and speaking to something inside of them. I sometimes have to remind myself how many of you there are out there. Thank you for coming along with me on this journey. There is so much more coming down the pipeline that i’m excited for, and I can’t wait to share it with you all.
🙌🏼 And just because we’re dating doesn’t mean we aren’t okay in our status of being single. Literally just received a quote from my engaged friend after a shitty date telling me to “be brave enough to be alone,” insinuating that I’m not 🙄😤 And yet in the same measure, this same friend doesn’t agree with me doing things on my own, such as traveling. Thank you for writing this piece and verbalizing what I have struggled to communicate personally.
I’m screaming over this newsletter. THANK YOU. I don’t even know where to start. But I finally got to the place you are within the last year aka not making your life about romance and the pursuit of it and I’ve never felt better. So happy you got to this place because, as I’ve discovered, it is truly freeing! Agreed couples act like they have ascended because they have a partner. it’s bs. I could write seven paragraphs here agreeing with you about that but you already know girl.